Some of us, we're hardly ever here

The rest of us, we're born to disappear

How do I stop myself from being just a number

How will I hold my head to keep from going under?

John Mayer - Vultures

A year ago I got my very first studio, and as a housewarming gift a coworker gave me a massive plant. I thought for sure it wouldn't make it through the first month because I don't have a green thumb, and as i feared, it started dying and I thought I'd have to throw it out. Fortunately, a friend of mine came by and helped me bring it back to life. Slowly but surely it started to become healthy, and just today, to my utter amazement, I noticed what looked like a whole new stem sprouting.

These last few months have been tough as I've been struggling with a major quarter life crisis. Professionally, I feel stagnant. I'm going in circles with my love life. And I can't figure out "my calling." I've been out of college for four years now, and I so badly want to move upward but I often find myself stuck. Seeing these sprouts was a good reminder that growth is happening all the time, even when i don't realize it. I need to have more confidence in myself that i too am growing, even though I may not realize it or be able to explain it.

Unless of course those aren't sprouts growing at all but some creepy insect nest and/or gross weed. Then that's a whole different story :)

When I was younger, I wanted to try horseback riding lessons. I was pretty tiny, and it soon became apparent to my instructor that I was terrified of falling off these giant animals (I think I may have been practicing on a pony at that point, but it seemed monstrous to me nonetheless.) My instructor noticed that because I was so afraid of falling, I was being too guarded and not properly learning how to ride. She then took me into an isolated area where I could literally practice purposely falling off. I remember I was so afraid of hurting myself, that I couldn't do it. Riding lessons didn't last very long.

I try to live my life with no regrets, but in matters of the heart, I have a major wall up. When it comes to intimacy, it has to feel very right to me. But at what level can anyone feel 100% right about anything? When interacting with someone else, I think there's a certain point where you have to just believe that things will work out and take a leap of faith. Or maybe believe that they might not work out, but that you will be ok. I am trying to be less cautious with my dating experiences because I fear that by not letting myself get hurt, I am not allowing myself to live. It's not that I want to compromise who I am, but rather I am trying to be open to the possibility of a fall (maybe just a little, pony-size drop) so I can dust myself off and not be afraid of it as much. In the end, my biggest fear is that I'll regret the things I didn't do more than the things I did.

Maybe I should pick up riding lessons again.

as i was waiting for the elevator after a long monday, i caught my reflection in the giant company logo and suddenly wondered if this will be the rest of my life.

how did i end up here?