When I was younger, I wanted to try horseback riding lessons. I was pretty tiny, and it soon became apparent to my instructor that I was terrified of falling off these giant animals (I think I may have been practicing on a pony at that point, but it seemed monstrous to me nonetheless.) My instructor noticed that because I was so afraid of falling, I was being too guarded and not properly learning how to ride. She then took me into an isolated area where I could literally practice purposely falling off. I remember I was so afraid of hurting myself, that I couldn't do it. Riding lessons didn't last very long.

I try to live my life with no regrets, but in matters of the heart, I have a major wall up. When it comes to intimacy, it has to feel very right to me. But at what level can anyone feel 100% right about anything? When interacting with someone else, I think there's a certain point where you have to just believe that things will work out and take a leap of faith. Or maybe believe that they might not work out, but that you will be ok. I am trying to be less cautious with my dating experiences because I fear that by not letting myself get hurt, I am not allowing myself to live. It's not that I want to compromise who I am, but rather I am trying to be open to the possibility of a fall (maybe just a little, pony-size drop) so I can dust myself off and not be afraid of it as much. In the end, my biggest fear is that I'll regret the things I didn't do more than the things I did.

Maybe I should pick up riding lessons again.

as i was waiting for the elevator after a long monday, i caught my reflection in the giant company logo and suddenly wondered if this will be the rest of my life.

how did i end up here?